Not all things thought should be said

Our society places a great deal of stock in feelings. Our feelings have become so important that no one would dare to point out to us that our feelings are not logical, dependable or true. Our actions are controled by our feelings. How we feel at any given time seems to be the only thing that matters. In conflict we say things like, "well, I feel...... and I am sorry that you feel that way....." Once upon a time children were not allowed to speak unless spoken to. Now, children are permitted to voice whatever they are feelings no matter how rude, debased, or disrespectful. The adults areound them are supposed to respect their feelings and allow them to express themselves no matter how damaging it might be to others. Not only do we listen to it but we validate their feelings by tolerating and accepting such statements. I can't help but wonder what happened to that old adage, "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all."?



My children went through a period of time when we they frequently told me that they hated school. I did not correct them because I thought that if that was how they felt they should be allowed to express it. I started with the assumption that their feelings were true and should be validated as such. I might respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Sometimes I ignored the comment if it was particularly hurtful but my responses did not halt their comments. They continued to make negative comments with increasing frequency which began to coincide with an increasing attitude problem. I was telling a friend about it and lamenting that I really did not know what to do about it. She wisely asked me why I was allowing them to make such comments in the first place. Amazingly, I had never consider that that I did not have to allow them to express themselves. My husband and I came up with a question that pulled togather what we felt our communications should involve. If someone said something that was rude, hurtful, unecesary, or out of line we would ask them if their speech was edifying. There was an amazing attitude shift once I stopped allowing them to make comments that did not fit the new house rule of all speech being edifying. We each have a job to do in our relationships and that job is to build each other up and encourage each other. Negative speech has not place in that no matter what you feel on any given day.